Dr Gabriel Uguru
CHURCH business is a serious business, and going to heaven is even more serious. Going to heaven is not for the faint-hearted, I tell ya. In the good old days going to heaven was easy.
All you have to do were: repent of your sins and believe in God. But now the requirements for going to heaven have become more broad and stringent.
Join our WhatsApp ChannelNowadays you don’t only have the blurry line between a cult and a church to navigate but there are other several hoops to jump through if you desire to end up in paradise.
For example, you have to give 10% of your monthly gross salary to your pastor (which by the way is cheaper compared to your government, which taxes you up to 40%!), religiously fast regularly, attend rigorous prayer meetings and spiritual retreats, acknowledge your church as superior to other churches and your pastor as infallible, only slightly lower than Christ; desire his “holy” touch, have “holy” oil rubbed on your forehead, and a generous sprinkling of “holy” water on your good self; religiously subscribe to all the pamphlets written and produced by your pastor, follow your pastor and all the mumbo-jumbo he spews on social media.
But most importantly learn how to speak in tongues (as taught by those whom God and other heavenly hosts communicate regularly with), which makes a lot of sense for if you are going to heaven it helps to learn the language of currency over there. Sorry, I forgot to mention, a must is the acknowledgement of Christ as the only begotten son of God as well as your personal saviour.
I guess you already know that you MUST be baptised? Right? As if all these things are not enough to task a bewildered convert, you need a “Spiritual” perfume as well.
You know, God is averse to bad odours and if you want to get closer to God, you have to do something about your body odour, God has already given you the benefit of the doubt by tolerating your early morning stinking breath! Then step in your pastor who already has been to heaven and comes back.
He knows the type of perfume God likes and he manufactures and provides you with the exact perfume the heavenly hosts wear at a fraction of the cost. Don’t sneer and call it hogwash.
If Mosses could be handed a tablet engraved with God’s personal writings, why can’t a humble pastor in Nigeria be given access to God’s favourite perfume?! Yeah, I know, Mosses was a bit careless and “conveniently” claimed that he broke the tablet; but he was studious enough to produce another copy with God’s original words written on it. Proof? You den of vipers! You don’t need any proof, just believe in what Mosses told you about the tablet! Anyway, we are not discussing Moses and his tablet but God’s favourite perfume.
The perfume is called “Spiritual Perfume”. You wear it on your specially designed white robe (again, provided by your ever discerning and caring pastor), before saying your prayers so that your prayers will not just sink downwards but rise upwards to God’s attentive ears.
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The smells of your sins are bad enough but to compound them with your stinking body odour is more than God can tolerate. How dare you stink up God’s holy presence! Thank you pastor for your visionary leadership and care of your flocks!
You prepare for prayers and just to make sure your prayers are answered on time before others, you liberally doused yourself with the Spiritual Perfume and knelt down for prayers.
But just as you are about to launch into a litany of requests from God, the electricity company struck. Presto, the church is in darkness. But you have an ace up your sleeve. Who needs electricity when you have your standby generator, the humble candle.
You light your candles and knelt down in prayers but unknown to you, your pastor’s concoction contains alcohol (which I strongly suspect is more than 70% ethanol).
Suddenly, you are on fire from the lighted candles drawn by the alcoholic fume your heavenly garment emitted, which was previously judiciously doused with the Spiritual Perfume. Don’t kid yourself, this is not Moses and the Burning bush, neither is it a fire drill, you are actually on fire!
The above scenario plays out regularly in Nigeria, the most famous of such heavenly perfume incidents happened way back in May 2021 and was widely reported in the media.
A word of advice is in order here, while venturing into the spiritual realms as a church convert, take care that you do not turn into a burning bush! 😂😂😂
