Dr Gabriel UguruThe United States of America as we all know, is a God-fearing country, governed by the most incorruptible and intelligent politicians the world has ever known. That we are lovingly called “God’s Own Country” by the rest of the envious world, is not a misplaced endearment, just look at our current records and the positive impacts we have made in the world. The Jews claimed to be the only “God’s Chosen People”, we all know it is a lie, that name belongs to us, in fact, Jesus was not a Jew but an American. You can tell by the blue eyes, the flowing hair, and the fair skin our artists had drawn of Jesus and immortalised by our Hollywood. You don’t believe me? Ok, let’s compare some of Jesus’s characters to ours: Jesus was humble, we are humble; Jesus was peaceful, we are peaceful and don’t cause any trouble or go blowing things up (I shall take your word for it!); Jesus was truth personified, we are a truthful nation ruled by the most truthful government, and ably assisted by the most honest security agencies like our dearly beloved CIA and FBI.
To prove that we are the genuine “God’s Chosen People” blessed with a visionary and honest government, just look at our country, a country flowing with the proverbial milk and honey. You can literally pick up money from the streets! We have the best healthcare system in the world, there is no epidemic of homelessness in our country as our enemies would like to point out. Forget the lies our enemies tell you about us caging migrants at the border and separating children from their parents. We really do encourage migration and welcome migrants coming through our borders – we would prefer European migrants though, especially Ukrainians. Our economy is solid and there is no trouble whatsoever in our banking system. Our roads and railway systems are the best in the world. We do not have minimum paid jobs but the highest paying jobs. Our politicians are from the grassroots, where with little or no money, you can be elected even to the highest office in the land. There is no corruption in our politics as we always conduct free and fair elections without any money corrupting the process. Our judiciary is the envy of the world where the quality of justice does not depend on how rich you are or the colour of your skin – our prison system can certainly attest to that. That we have more than twice the number of black people behind bars than any other ethnicity is an example of our magnanimity and care. These people are jobless and homeless, and to better care for them, we offer them free accommodation and feeding. Our people are the happiest in the world, and our government is held in the highest esteem. You don’t believe me? Just ask the European Union, you doubting Thomases! Otherwise, how else would they be following us sheepishly and allowing us to micromanage their economy?!
We are a peaceful nation. Gun violence? What gun violence?! Ok, I must admit, sometimes we get carried away and have the odd shootings, but they are nothing short of a vigorous expression of the 2nd Amendment as enshrined in our holy constitution. We simply can never have enough guns in private hands. Our enemies would wish us to be defenceless, especially in the wake of a Chinese invasion of our homeland. The Chinese tried to invade our homeland with balloons, and we showed them our resolve by shooting down every balloon with Hellfire missiles. That the balloons cost an average of $12 while the missiles cost in excess of $400K each, was of no significance. It is not idiocy on our part, we just wanted to show the world how rich we are – if you have it, flaunt it!
Our detractors, especially that crusading, pesky Vladimir Putin, accuse us of hypocrisy and leading the world into World War III! Imagine such ludicrous accusations! We are only trying to bring democracy and freedom to all humanity. It is our mandate, it is in our DNA, and it is our responsibility as ordained by God to do so. Just look at our recent records in that direction. We brought peace, freedom, democracy and security to Iraq. That we contaminated Fallujah with radioactive materials from the depleted uranium shells we used during the fighting to bring them freedom and democracy, and as a result, children are being born with deformities and cancer, is not our fault. It is a price worth paying for freedom and democracy! And to show that we cared, we are naming our latest amphibious assault ship USS Fallujah to commemorate the deaths and destruction we wrought on that city!
We turned Libya from dictatorship and misrule into a bastion of peace, security and prosperity. And today the people of Libya cannot thank us enough for making their country the envy of the world. I mean, where in the world would you find slave markets and warlords jockeying for positions?! Or families owning slaves to assist them with their lives? People are getting richer every day in Libya by selling economic migrants en route to Europe from Nigeria, Ghana, etc., as slaves. These booming slave trades are made possible by us and serve to prevent Europe from getting overwhelmed by unwanted African migrants!
We went to Syria to spread the same freedom and democracy by effecting a regime change, but our efforts were thwarted by those damned Russians. The good news is that we managed to seize and occupy their oil-rich region to safeguard the oil. We are not stealing the oil as our enemies would want you to believe!
We wanted to bring freedom and democracy to Venezuela by appointing a president of our choice (Juan Guaidó), instead of a president voted for by the people of Venezuela (Nicolás Maduro). People asked, why would you do that? Duh! It was because, the Venezuelans do not know their right from their left. We have to step in and guide them by engineering a regime change. But the stupid people refused to be liberated. So, to encourage them to see the light, we seized their foreign reserves and directed our former master-turned-servant (name withheld) to do the same. For clarity, before people accuse us of stealing their money, far be it, we are simply holding their money for safekeeping until the people of Venezuela come to their senses and accept our American freedom and democracy!
People accuse us of also stealing Afghanistan’s foreign reserves worth a measly $7 billion. Again, to be clear about this, we are not stealing Afghanistan’s money but keeping it safe for them until freedom and democracy are implemented in their country. The people we installed after effecting a regime change, turned out to be just a bunch of thieves – well, you can’t win them all. We have learnt our lessons and will get it right next time, we promise you.
Again, this issue of stealing other people’s money kept cropping up. For clarity and to address this issue head on, the United States of America is not in the business of stealing anybody’s money! What of Russian foreign reserves and assets? For the umpteenth time, we are keeping their money and other assets until Russia agrees to be broken up into freedom-loving and democratic discrete states! I mean, is it a sin to try to recreate Yugoslavia dismemberment?! Russia and China are too big and are sitting on enormous natural resources, therefore, they should be balkanised to enable us to manage these resources properly!
We recently brought peace, security, freedom and democracy to Europe by forcing them to ditch cheap Russian energy and instead buy costly liquified gas from us! That the Nord Stream pipeline was blown up was not our fault though people said it was us who blew it up. To forestall this “erroneous” thought taking root in the world, our honest and respected CIA after keeping a “decent” silence on the issue, has now assured us that it was done by four men or was it five men? – I shall check with our CIA for the exact number, later – in a yacht, country of origin is yet unknown, but our CIA has assured us that the men were freedom-loving and opposed to Russia. Strange, you would say. How could your CIA know the exact number of people who “blew up” the pipeline and their political leaning, yet the CIA did not know them or their country of origin? And why has it taken the CIA so long despite its vast human and electronic assets to come up with such a cooked story, sorry again, a “genuine” story only after Seymour Hersh’s revelation? Well, that’s a little mystery known only to our omniscient, omnipresent and omnipotent CIA! It is not your place to ask such questions! Just believe in our CIA, you doubting Thomases!
See what you guys did with your unnecessary questions? You guys have knocked me off my train of thought! Anyway, we destroyed, oops, sorry, the four men destroyed the pipeline so that Europe especially Germany, could be weaned off Russian energy and instead buy our “better quality” gas at a higher price in place of that cheap muck the Russians were selling them. That factories are closing in Europe due to high energy costs and relocating to our country is good for business, our business! It is part of the price for freedom and democracy, and today, Europe is thanking us for preparing them for the next Winter Olympics. They are now totally inured to cold!
We are simply doing God’s work by imposing, sorry, bringing freedom and democracy to the rest of the world. Our military might be second to none, though our detractors laugh at us and love to taunt us for Afghanistan. They claimed that despite our most advanced weaponry consisting of tanks, fighter jets, bombers, cruise missiles, Apache helicopters, nuclear weapons, etc., that men on bicycles and horsebacks, wearing sandals and armed with only Kalashnikov AK-47 sent us on the run. Would you believe such nonsense?! The truth of the matter was that we “chose” to move out of Afghanistan because we had accomplished our mission of spreading freedom and democracy in that part of the world. That the people refused to accept our message is not our fault – you can only lead a horse to the water, but you cannot force it to drink the water – or can you? Admittedly, our exit might have appeared a tad untidy and hasty, but that was because we were in a hurry to leave the damned forsaken place – we know when we are not wanted! Who in his right mind would want to occupy Afghanistan, anyway? Have you seen the place lately? It is like Yemen! There are no bars and women for recreation and entertainment. If you sent Bacchus and Casanova on a week’s all expenses paid holiday to Afghanistan, they would go potty inside 24 hours, and out of boredom blow out each other’s brains!
We wanted to spread freedom and democracy to Ukraine and Taiwan, but two of our adversaries, Russia and China, sent by the devil himself, are blocking our “benevolent” path! Despite their efforts, Ukraine is “winning” the war. We still stand by Ukraine and urge them to fight to the last Ukrainian, and not to enter into any peace deal with the Russians. We know the Ukrainians are taking a beating and losing territories fast, but like Herodotus and his 300 men in the battle of Thermopylae, the destruction of Ukraine and the deaths of the Ukrainians, will serve as a beacon and will light the fires of American freedom and democracy all over the world! Moreover, to borrow a piece from Stalin, one cannot make a revolution without execution! Blood needs to be spilt, but not American blood, please. Our blood is most precious given our divine elevation in the world! I mean, God has tasked us with this “holy” crusade, to prepare the world for his son’s coming! Who wouldn’t like the rapture to come? It is only incorrigible sinners like Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping, who are opposed to the rapture in the form of World War III and total nuclear annihilation.
Those in favour of the rapture, say AYE!
When it came down to it, would you rather be feared than respected? We chose the former, sod respect! We talk and listen to ourselves only because we are always right and only we know what is good for the world! USA rules!
P/S: Of course, you know that the above is total crap. It is a satire. But don’t tell Biden, otherwise, you will ruin his appetite and make him grumpy! 😂😂😂
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