OSINACHI: ‘The Tremor In Her Tenor And Echoes In Her Choruses’

Let’s all understand that it’s not easy for a woman to quit her marriage. However some women that do have weighed the consequences and anticipated stigmatisation and exclusion plus the Chinese whispers. They are very very ready and take the plunge.

I remember when I made up my mind enough was  enough for me ”  It was in the 19th year and after another bout of verbal abuses from the regular quarters amidst the struggle and difficulties within my home. I had shut out all the voices and built a business that Clearly took care of the bills and so much more. The details I will leave out . Abuses may not necessarily come from the man but from his family.  Now when people take this route of ganging up against a wife they are usually very sad and ignorant people personally and in their marriages. They hold the notion that being married is doing you a huge  favour.  So, whenever they feel like they can cook up any accusations, they verbally pour out everything on you; disrespect and degrade you every time, while you are doing the heavy lifting in the family. I also knew that if my family will not stand up for me I would do it myself and protect my own sanity. I am not a slave girl picked from the street. I come from a decent home and won’t have group of persons  treat me this way because of marriage. I also remember telling my big brother one day as I filed for divorce ” If  perish I perish”. That was ten years ago.

I do remember going to church on Sundays and what a beautiful couple we made. Oh yes. A very beautiful ideal couple. We were the envy of a lot people and ladies always looked up to me and told me how fortunate we were. I do remember 9 years after the marriage ended running into one of our family  friends who told me he was still disappointed about our divorce and uses us to preach. He said we made him and a lot of people get married and then called it off. Only God knows what he preaches about us. Anyway, that’s besides the point.

Back to the church angle. We were such a cool looking couple that the ” ushers” always ushered us to the front rows”. I never asked for front rows in church.  Absolutely not! But It was a given. Departments in church wanted us to head various units. Of course why not. Then it happened. He moved on, I moved on.

I started coming to church alone. The same ushers that ushered me to the front rows stopped me and ushered me to  the back rows I couldn’t sit in front anymore. I would tempt Pastor or I had become a “Fallen woman”. I agree. I never asked for front rows in the first place. In fact, in school, I was president of back benchers association before church ushers changed my designation for me. The church ushers and their carnality felt we looked good on your church camera and TV broadcast.

I remember a friend of mine recounting with pain how she was treated by family and friends with levity  once her husband died. How the women stopped inviting her into their homes meanwhile these were wives of  her late husband’s closest friends. People she rolled with  She couldn’t approach any of these men when she needed help. The women became cold and these were her friends. I told her welcome to the club.

As a woman if you are divorced or widowed the society treats you funny. The women are the first to keep off you when you need them most. It’s survival I guess. A woman  without a man by her side has automatically become a predator. All men should be kept out of site including the cockroach, looking unattractive, bald headed, pot bellied ones with bad breath. God help you if you are beautiful and intelligent.  What a triple tragedy!!!

Back to the church. In my previous church, I was the head of a unit or department. I had also quit that position voluntarily even though I was still married. I quit due to personal convictions. I told the Pastor that I would do for just two years and would rather go back to being just a regular church member and serve under any other unit  and still work in any department. I would show them how to do it but won’t continue. I did exactly that. Yes my Pastor did not understand me but I don’t believe being head of department in church is a life career. I believe we should serve in that capacity awhile and just go back to being regular church members. Some people can’t function in a church they are not given positions or titles and that’s truly sad. Anyway that’s not the import of this write up.

The breakup happened in this new church we had been sitting in the front pews. Even in our last church we always sat in the front rows. So I get the back seat back to being the self appointed president of back benchers association.  I knew it was going to happen. No qualms. I still wanted to serve so, I decided to serve. I attended the mandatory church training program again just like I did in the last place of worship. After the gruelling course that lasted months I was ready to serve. This time, I joined the unit that suited my profession and hoped I could add something. I tried but to no avail. Even to do the regular news in church. I was doing news on TV. Ah but not church.      “Thou art divorced and may attract men to sin”. Unwritten rule. I would go to church and go straight to my unit and do nothing year in year out I guess they just got tired and I did too and faced other things.

I knew I had to serve in the area of my gifting. Lifting people up is a gift every child of God has. I started an NGO for persons with disabilities after all I also had a disability. My personal handicap which plagued me for years. It was a perfect expression of my triumph over pain and stigmatisation which persons with disabilities faced. This was my years of not getting into the university 10 solid years after secondary school. Till date I still thank God I found expression through my NGO Empathy Driven Women International Initiative ( EDWIIN). I did a tex tall on it and you may click to watch https://youtu.be/2s88ZPn5k2M

We have since gone on to win several awards with our out of the box hands on practical  approach to NGO programs. Worked extensively with deaf women. The Albinism community. Women in wheelchairs and more. Plus women and children in the IDP camps. We’ve concentrated on education. Health,

Training, and Empowerment. We are still doing so till date and in this space you are not asking for the front row. I never did. The ones in the front rows are the vulnerable in the society. I switched the attention to others plunged myself deep into it for  six straight years while grappling with my personal issues. Loss of major briefs which led to my downsizing my staff strength. Homeless with the children for 8years and grappling with their school fees. Yet effectively running this incredible NGO with Creativity.

So the “church” has a role to play in the demise and damaging of so many women. The church that treated me this way did not see I was a single mother with four children. How was I to manage all these? No it’s my fault. Divorcée. God hates divorce. In my almost 6 decades on this earth I have seen so much hypocrisy in marriages. The infidelity  of couples today in churches far out shines that of the biblical Corinthians. St Paul would have had a heart attack.  The women who are serial adulterers. The couples who switch partners The ones who have gone gay on each other. The couples who have Aborted severally pregnancies for their house maids and daughters due to the man’s indiscretions. The plethora  of Sexless marriages The physical and mental abuse which seems to take the cake. The abuse by in-laws who usually outnumber the wife.

The mental torture of some women and men . Yet these all sit in church with dignity and are celebrated because they have chosen the ” right  path?”. Stay married. Or die married. “Awon Abokoku”. . It’s perfectly okay or is it not?

I have to constantly correct people when they refer to me as “Mrs Uri”. Really? Every woman wants to be a “Mrs”. They feel it’s a sign of respect when they add ” Mrs” to your name. I have to always insist ” my name is Uri just Uri is fine”. Or I go ” I am not married please”. They look at me with wonder . I read their minds like Jesus did the Pharisees and Sadducees. ” Why is she so confident to say she’s not married which woman doesn’t want to be?”. I find that so amusing. Very amusing. Marriage with the right person and understanding in-laws who also understand you are somebody’s child and respect you is heaven on earth. I have seen quite a lot.

Being a Mrs with so much pain diminishes a woman however titles matter so much to us in this part of the world. Especially the marital title for women. I feel it’s a very heavy burden we bear honestly. Men  Just graduate from master to Mr for the rest of their lives. We have to change ours. Oh dear  patriarchy and misogyny did not start today. Even though it’s spelt out in the Bible ” a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife” To me he should take up her name. He’s left father mother .Don’t you think? Some are cringing now.

As OSINACHI sang her heart out and like a true artiste that she was the songs and stage were her solace.  The pain and trauma of years of abuse has eaten away her self esteem and sense of worth which naturally put her on an autopilot of just being the milking cow for a depraved husband. Everyone watched? What serious attempt was made? . Was staying her choice? I guess it was. Marriage and the ministry is certainly a combination that should be revaluated for all it’s worth.

Incidentally this year’s International women’s Day Theme is ” Break the Bias”. When will society and the church break the bias on single women or divorced women? Then again I ask myself who makes up the society and church? You and I and our friends and relatives.

It’s a deep conversation. A deep talk. A journey back to self. A hard look in the mirror. A rethink of our stance positions and huge shift  that’s required.  A total overhaul of our hearts to be more empathetic. I arrive at empathy because empathy is sympathy in action. People speaking now saw her pain. Saw her suffering. As an artiste she sang through her pain . Now I re-listen  to her and I hear  the tremors  In her tenor and the echoes of pain in her choruses.  But those close to her saw it all  Someone kept quite. Was it you?  Someone could have done something.

So really who is more guilty? The church? The society? Or You?

When she thrilled us with her top grade touching tenor we didn’t hear her silent trauma in her tremor . We sang her choruses without hearing her echoes of pain. However He that made her heard and called her home to Him to rest and continue thrilling Him only this time without tremors  or trauma and echoes of pain.

Good night OSINACHI.

2022