Dr Gabriel UguruIn continuing with our non-Science theme until after the festivities are over, we shall take a lighthearted look at how Methuselah became the oldest man in the world. Enjoy.
Half an Evening Gone (or a Case of How Methuselah Tricked God)
It was an especially beautiful day. Birds were singing in the trees, and everybody was relaxing and generally chilling out for it was sundown and the day’s business was done. Methuselah earlier in the day had celebrated his 460th birthday with a hearty meal consisting of beef stew, goat cheese, figs and olives, which he transported down with a couple of gourds of home-brewed wine. He was sitting under a juniper tree taking in the cool breeze of the day with his new wife standing behind him and gently giving him a massage, when he dozed off. It was then that God appeared unto him in a dream.
“How are you doing, Methuselah my child?” God asked him, paternally ruffling his hair.
“Just Great, my Lord,” replied Methuselah, filled with joy at the sight of God.
“I trust everything on earth is to your satisfaction?”
“Couldn’t be better, my Lord. You did a first class job when you created the world.”
“Thank you,” God acknowledged not without a certain amount of joy and satisfaction that somebody appreciated his creativity. He had been getting a certain amount of grumblings recently from some people: why do we have to toil so much for a loaf of bread? Why am I not rich like my neighbour? Why am I fat? I mean Jezreel can eat a whole hog and still be slim but for me a tiny morsel of food and I pigged out; What was God thinking of when he created the weather? It is either too hot or too cold, why can’t we have a temperate climate? A lion killed and ate one of my sheep yesterday, and it was God’s fault for creating a lion; For heaven’s sake, why can’t everything in the world be free? Why can’t we all live in heaven? It’s segregation if we are not allowed in heaven until after death; etc.
“How would you like to come home with me today?” God asked Methuselah.
Methuselah was anything if not a crafty old codger. “Delighted my Lord,” he replied, beaming with joy, “But kindly allow me until after half the evening is gone,” he added innocently.
“Not a problem, child,” God replied, “ I am a patient God, I created time and I have all the time I need.”
“Thank you, my Lord,” Methuselah acknowledged.
“Well, I shall be seeing you soon then, take care,” God wrapped up his visit and left, shortly after which Methuselah awoke.
After the first half of the evening, Methuselah was still relaxing under the juniper tree smoking a pipe when death visited.
“Methuselah, I have been asked to call you up,” Death told Methuselah.
“But it is not yet my time,” Methuselah protested, “I think you are making a mistake.”
“I have been doing this job for donkey’s years and have never made a mistake,” Death told him authoritatively. “Is this not your name written here?” Death showed him the Death Register.
“Yes, that’s my name alright,” Methuselah acknowledged, “But my deal with God specifically stated after half the evening is gone.”
“What are you talking about?” Death eyed him strangely. “The evening is half gone already.”
“No, it is not. What time is it in heaven?”
“Just about early morning, “Death replied guardedly. “Why do you want to know?”
“Because I still have 500 years remaining, an evening gone in heavenly time is a thousand years in earth time!”
Death had no answer for such solid logic, he scratched his bony head, hefted his scythe onto his shoulder and left to report back to God.
My, oh, my, I’ve been tricked,” God exclaimed with a chuckle, when he received Death’s report. “Sometimes I wish I hadn’t given humans brains, they are always trying to outsmart me!”
“Do you wish me to do something about it, my Lord?” Death asked delightedly, twirling his scythe. “Just say the word and Methuselah will be a dead man.”
“No, leave the little rascal alone, bless him. I need such intelligent men to manage and perfect my creations.”
Six Hours (or a Case of How God Got His Own Back on Methuselah): A sequel
Methuselah was now 710 years old and was no longer enjoying life as he thought he might. For starters his health was no longer as it were, he had been forgetting things, peeing a lot and sometimes found it difficult to attend to his personal hygiene with the result that his children had clubbed together to get him a slave girl to assist him in his daily functions. To compound issues, you have to shout very loudly before he could hear you and his eyesights were nearly gone. One day he was sitting in an armchair dozing, which increasingly over the recent years he was wont to do, when God appeared to him. As was his custom he was happy to see God but this time the happiness was more than usual because he wanted to ask God a favour.
“Methuselah my child,” God called him after the usual pleasantries between them. “You look rundown, anything the matter?”
“My Lord God,” Methuselah replied, humbly, “As you can see, you did not design the human body to last this long. I am struggling to live a normal life. I am at an early stage of amnesia, my bladder is shot to pieces, my hearing is failing and so does my eyesight. My servant girl wipes my bum, which is a bit humiliating, and feeds me with powdered meat as I have since lost all my teeth. And more annoyingly, I have been talking to myself a lot as all my friends and contemporaries are no longer alive. To put it bluntly my Lord, I am lonely and fed up with life. Would it be out of place if I come home early before senility sets in?”
“Not at all, my child. I would be delighted to have you home anytime you want,” God replied.
Methuselah was overjoyed. “How about today?”
“Are you sure about that?” God asked him. “Won’t you like to have time to put your affairs in order?”
“Nay, my children have been handling my affairs for ages, I am sure they would be more than happy to see the back of me. They now consider me a burden. I just needed enough time to hug and say goodbye to them.”
“Would six hours be enough for you?” God asked, innocently.
Methuselah was overjoyed. “I am good for 6 hours, that’s all the time I needed,” he replied, rubbing his hands with glee.
“Ok, Methu, my dear child,” God called him affectionately, “I shall be seeing you soon. By my calculation, you will just be in time for dinner.”
“Thanks a lot, my Lord. Be seeing you soon. By the way how is my great, great grand daddy doing?”
“You mean Adam?”
“Yes. How is the old sport?”
“He’s doing alright but still evasive. Doesn’t give one a straightforward answer to any question.”
“That’s my grand papa alright,” Methuselah laughed. “Say me well to him.”
“Will do.”
God departed and Methuselah woke up. He called his slave girl to assist him inside to his living room and for her to go and call all his children and relatives for an important meeting with him. When the children and relatives had gathered together in the town square, Methuselah addressed them by first recounting his life, all the things he had experienced in his 710 years, his mistakes and regrets, his sorrows, his achievements and joys. He ended by thanking all of them for taking very good care of him and proceeded to divide his worldly possessions equally amongst them. He finally informed them that his time is near and he expected to be gone in less than 6 hours from then. When he finished, one after the other of his children and relatives poured encomiums on him and gave God the glory for a life well led.
Methuselah expected something more from them like a touch of grief that they were going to lose him but to his surprise and annoyance the children called for a party, slaughtering cows and sheep and inviting all the townspeople for a party! Methuselah quietly (and disappointingly), retired to his bedchamber to await death. He waited for ages and finally slept off. When he woke up it was morning. He was surprised as he expected death to have visited him since. His children were also surprised (and disappointed) to still see him alive, but shrugged their shoulders and counted his yesterday’s behaviour as the whims of an old man, and each reluctantly returned his gift to him.
Later that day Methuselah was again dozing under a tree when God appeared again to him. When Methuselah saw God, his smiles were rather forced, God noticed this as nothing escaped Him, and asked Methuselah, “What seems to be the matter, Methu?”
Methuselah replied grumpily, “Lord you promised to have me home yesterday but you failed to keep your promise.”
God was taken aback as he had never heard Methuselah complain to him of anything before, how much more accuse him of inconstancy. “Methu, my child,” God called him, still with affection, “I never promised to have you home yesterday. You agreed to be home in six hours time.”
“Yes I did, my Lord,” Methuselah acknowledged. “But it’s been more than six hours, and nothing happened.”
“No, it’s not. Six hours in my time equal 250 years of yours. So you still have some fair amount of time to spend on earth,” God replied with a mischievous glint in his eyes.
“Oh my God!” Exclaimed Methuselah, sorrowfully, “I’ve been too clever by half!”
“Tut, tut, tut,” God warned him gently, “Don’t ever blaspheme my name! Thou shalt not take my name in vain.”
“I apologise unreservedly, my Lord, it shall not happen again,” Methuselah was contrite. “But what shall I be doing for the next 250 years?”
God shrugged. “I don’t know. Have a holiday, go and explore the world, run a charity or something. The world is your oyster.”
“But Lord I want to come home right now with you,” Methuselah begged.
“No can do. A deal is a deal,“ God told him. “Now go and enjoy your life. I shall have your room ready for when you come home.”
“Ok Lord, if you say so,” Methuselah replied morosely, and they parted company.
The slave girl when she came to wake Methuselah up for his dinner, distinctly heard him muttering to himself, “Me and my cleverness. What a fool I have been, thought I could trick God, did I? I need my head examined!”
*(Stories culled from “Jokes and Short Stories to Brighten your Day” by Gabriel Chukwuemeka Uguru; in preparation).
Season’s greetings to you
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