Dr Gabriel UguruThe recent US elections were no doubt a comedy par excellence. True to type, every crass and hilarious thing imaginable did happen, including bought and paid for celebrity endorsements, Robert Di Niro, Oprah Winfrey, Usher, Whoopi Goldberg, Jennifer Lopez, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the rest, all cooing for Kamala Harris while having a mental breakdown over Trump.
To liven up the aftertaste of the US elections, here are a few titters for you:
Join our WhatsApp ChannelJust when you think you have seen all the stupidity and ridiculous things in the US elections, more keep popping up. We all know that US elections are nothing but show business – a fact more pronounced in this year’s duopoly race between Tweedle dee and Tweedle dum – but it really descended into a farce when science was subpoenaed to join the fray.
You may or may not have heard the story of how a pair of “neuroscientists” in the US (name withheld), used monkeys (i.e. macaques) to predict that Kamala Harris was going to win the elections! 😂
According to the two “scientists” monkeys stare longer at faces of candidates who ended up losing elections! Their fact-based prediction was because a monkey would glance briefly at a high-status male, undoubtedly because, staring is a sign of aggression. But they gaze for longer if shown a low-status male monkey or a female. And surprise, surprise, the monkeys were afraid of Kamala Harris (the Establishment’s favourite candidate) because they only briefly glanced at her picture, taking (or was it mistaking 😂) her for a high-status female. But for Trump, the monkeys glanced at his picture steadily, which according to the “scientists” showed that Trump was a low-status male. In other words, the monkeys predicted that Kamala Harris would win the elections. Ditto the monkeys divined that Trump’s vice-presidential pick, Senator J. D. Vance, would lose if he ran face-to-face against Minnesota Governor Tim Walz, who was Kamala Harris’s running mate! Knowing what we now now, both the “scientists” and the monkeys were bonkers 😂
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Methinks that this monkey business 😂 was a ploy and did wonder at the time if those monkeys were Democrats, and consequently, I urged the Republicans to conduct their own experiment using Republican monkeys! 😂 The people behind the monkey business were thinking that the US electorates were so gullible and stupid that monkeys just as celebrities, could be employed to tell them whom to vote for. 😂.
We have heard of Russian election interference, and when that ploy became worn out, a monkey election interference was invented! 😂This monkey business was a serious indictment of the stupidity and gullibility of the US electorates. But were they as stupid and gullible as they were portrayed? The election results released on 5 November 2024 categorically affirmed the contrary. But I was not so sure about the “scientists” who performed the monkey experiment! 😂
Seriously, joking aside, the monkeys are liable for prosecution for election interference! 😂 The FBI should at once pay them a visit for not registering in the FARA (Foreign Agent Registration Act)! 😂
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Still on the hilarity and absurdity of the US elections, Tom Hanks (remember Saving Private Ryan?), said he would take a one-way bus ticket to Canada, if Trump won. Trump did win, and we are all still expecting to see Tom Hanks emigrating to Canada. My thinking is that Canada does not want him. 😂
Not to be outdone by Tom Hanks, Bono (of The U2 Band), said he would drive his car off the cliff, if Trump won. Trump did win. We are keeping vigil expecting Bono at any moment to keep his “promise” and commit suicide as he said he would. That would be one more mouth less to feed and a bit of space created, after all, the world is overcrowded as it is, and food is in very short supply. Anything for depopulation and reduction of carbon footprint is very much welcome 😂
And I hereby make my own election promise: If Joe Biden ever makes a Trump-like comeback and becomes the US president again, I promise to give you, the reader, £1B …….in cash! 😂😂😂
The weirdest of all the election crassness, was a woman who claimed to be a lesbian and was still taking contraceptives! 😂 She said she was voting for Kamala Harris because she was certain that Trump was going to ban birth control pills if he won! I think she was expecting a visit from good old Angel Gabriel or just a victim of TDS (Trump derangement syndrome).
Still about sex, a liberal-leaning woman was so upset at the Trump victory that she declared that she was never going to have sex for four years i.e. throughout the duration of Trump’s tenure. And she called on other women to follow her lead. The only snag was that she broke up with her boyfriend a few days ago before having such a brainwave. It takes two to tango – no boyfriend, no sex – any fool knows that! Although, sisters are now doing it for themselves, if you follow my drift. 😂 And might I add, no sex for four years means that there would be no need for contraceptives and abortions, which negates two of the principal ideals liberals are championing for – remember the slogan, “My body, my choice!” 😂
A curious thought just popped into my brain now. Trump is actually a serial women beater! He beat up Hilary Clinton in 2016, and he beat up Kamala Harris in 2024. But when faced with a “real” man, he turned chicken – Joe Biden beat him up in 2020! 😂
It is true we got a change of administration in the recent US elections, and most people in the world heaved a sigh of relief, but the relief might just be ephemeral. And like I keep telling people, the contest was between Tweedle dee and Tweedle dum, and we got Tweedle dee. Do not raise the bar too high or expect Trump to perform a miracle, or else you will be sorely disappointed. Trump may not be an ideal messiah, but he is a better choice from what we were presented. Therefore, make the best of an unpleasant situation, savour the moment, and do not worry about tomorrow. Let tomorrow worry about itself.
I leave you with some of the hilarious but “comforting” word salads of Tweedle dum:
“…. Let’s talk about the significance of the passage of time, right? The significance of the passage of time. So, when you think about it, there is great significance to the passage of time ….
“We will work together, and continue to work together, to address these issues… and to work together as we continue to work, operating from the new norms, rules, and agreements, that we will convene to work together…we will work on this together.
“We got to take this stuff seriously, as seriously as you are because you have been forced to have taken this seriously.
“It is time for us to do what we have been doing. And that time is every day. Every day it is time for us to agree that there are things and tools that are available to us to slow this thing down.
“I think that to be very honest with you, I do believe that we should have rightly believed, but we certainly believe that certain issues are just settled. Certain issues are just settled.
“We must come together, work together to see where we are. Where we are headed, where we are going, and our vision where we should be. But also, to see it, and together address the challenges.
“We have the ability to see what can be. Unburdened by what has been, and to make the possible actually happen.
“Based on what we have been able to see. Just because we haven’t seen it, does not mean it hasn’t happened. But we are just limited to what we have seen.” _Kamala Harris, 2024. 😂😂😂
